to leave or not to leave...

in a few hours from now, i have to dish out one of the toughest decisions i'll ever make in my life.

this is what i wanted. but that was before, long before i had experienced sweet life, meaning, being compensated without working your ass off - not in that way that i expected. this was what i wanted, long before i have given up on the idea that there could be "us".

i tried weighing the advantages and disadvantages, as most of my friends advised me to do. each has its own setback. yeah, perfection exists only in our imagination.

i went to the place where i can usually collect my thoughts and listen to what He wanted. it's so tiring to think about what you wanted when you know that there is always the possibility of falling flat on the ground. in the serenity of one of my favoritest chapel, the sto nino de paz chapel at greenbelt, i found myself walkin towards the confessional room.

after going through a monologue of the manifestation of my weaknesses, i asked the priest if i could ask for his advice. then it went on, as simple as, "father, what will i do? there is this job offer that i have to immediately decide upon, whether to accept it or not. i am confused and would want to know what God wants for me." his answer hit me bullseye - "your happiness is all what God wants for you. He just wanted you to be happy." swak!

where will i be happy at? i really do not know. i have my career plan set but i do not really know where my happiness lies.

to the point of being makulit, i asked the priest if asking signs from God is effective or just a plain hoax. he said that i could ask God, but, "sometimes, the signs are all there but we choose to ignore them."

i prayed really hard, hoping that the homily would show me the "sign" but to no avail. same with the communion hymn. and i asked God if it rains tomorrow, such that there is a necessity for my umbrella to get drenched, on my way to the office dapat ha, it's a sign that i have to leave my present job.

went home and mom told me that signal number 2 is up, "may bagyo daw". does that answer my question then?

i do not know. 60% wants me to stay. 40% wants me to leave. will it rain tomorrow morning? will it affect my inclination towards accepting the offer? haay. my quest for happiness...

and i am reminded of what the old man told santiago in paulo coelho's the alchemist,
"To realize one's destiny is a person's only obligation... And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it."

unrequited

prey to a unilateral delusion
adamant of my affection though
never reciprocated, alas,
convicted and coldly shut off
hopeful still
opulent with wishful thinking.

inexistent
unheard of
unseen
worse than a corpse...

barely looked at (though always staring)
never been talked to
never been asked
always left out...

perhaps,
carrying rays of invisibility
that shook her off from sight
never appreciated.



~ published in San Beda Law's The Red Ink, Gatla, vol. 2, no. 1, AY 2002-2003~

fourth of september

fourth of september
(when the gods lent the sun to me)


the drizzling sky was painted with a generous ray of glitter…
the misty breath of the winds, sprinkled with throngs of warmth…
the cascadin’ waves blended with the golden shadows…

just for a day…

the gods loaned your tender pat,
from the hand that I’ve longed to hold,

the smile,
from the lips that I’d die to kiss,

the three-lettered phrase,
which were the strongest pushes
that has made me hold on this far…

alas, all these are nothing but crumbs of what she has…


as published in The Red Ink, March 2006

s t r a n d e d

immersed,
clutching pieces of what was left
i trod, by myself,
along the eerie spaces of solitude

in damnation,
i stretched my weary arms
and cast my final dirge.
i concede…

you have emerged as the victor
in perfect bliss
while i, wounded
sealing the pain.

i remain
the steep woe
that has rained
on that september rain.

as published in The Red Ink, March 2006